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2017-04-26 / Loose Ends

Fashion Victim

Wearing my grievances
Susan Nienow

I haven’t outgrown fashion, though it’s getting more difficult to figure out what is fashionable for my age. Mini skirts are out and so are any clothes with ragged holes or that you can see through. I do have a bone to pick with designers, though.

First you spend a lot of advertising money convincing me pants that are wider at the bottom than at the knee are slimming and balance the shoulders. So I have rust colored cords, navy and purple jeans, brown jeans, khaki jeans and three pairs of black pants.

They are stacked on my closet shelf. I haven’t worn them in over a year. Now you have convinced me that skinny-leg pants are slimming. Well, logic tells me I shouldn’t listen in the first place, but it is impossible to shop against the trends.

Now I am seeing some narrow-leg pants with boot-cut bottoms. Too bad. I think I will skip that trend and wear what I have – not the wide-leg pants, but everything I have bought since then.

The question now is what to do with the wide-leg pants. I saw a project in a magazine where someone with too much time on her hands made purses out of old blue jeans. If I could come up with something like that…

Tunics are in now. I like tunics. They cover a multitude of sins and can make someone look taller and slimmer. I don’t need to look taller, but the other sounds good. They come in all colors and patterns, and I’m interested in easy-care fabrics.

Easy-care fabric is hardly a fashion statement; but fabric that’s wrinkled when it’s not supposed to be is. It just happens to be a “What not to wear” statement.

Then we have color. It has taken a few years, but I have finally found a light/ bright green that I can wear. I call it celery, but every manufacturer has a different name for it. Fluorescent green is only good for traffic safety vests and sticky notes, and yellow-green gives me an instant case of jaundice, so I settled on celery. This year I can find that color. Next year it will be dill, and celery will only be available in consignment shops.

I skip all the odd colors. Mauve is out, as is mustard. They are not likely to be

“fashionable” for very long. One way to look outdated is to wear a color that was popular four years ago and not destined to return in this century. Plus, matching those colors is almost impossible.

What is this new thing about sleeves with slits running down the arm? And the flounces? Some of the sleeves have wide ruffled parts in the middle that are reminiscent of square dance skirts. What would this do to my efforts to look slimmer?

Maybe I’ll write a book and title it Figuring out Fashion. I’ll have to write fast or it will be out of date before I finish.

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