Once upon a pillow
Susan Nienow

Loose Ends

We don't stay in hotels very often, but they all flunk pillows. Some aren't bad, but they aren't like mine, and it is a pass/fail test.

One place we stayed had feather pillows. When I put my head down, two feathers went to the left and two went to the right, leaving my head on two layers of pillowcase and the mattress. I folded my pillow over, but four feathers didn't do the job.

The next night, hundreds of miles down the road, I discovered where all of the missing feathers were. To call my pillow overstuffed was an understatement. I put my head on that pillow and nearly got a nosebleed from the altitude. I punched the pillow and tried again. Too many ducks contributed to this one.

Apparently one of the places we stayed had too few stars next to its name. The pillows must have been stuffed with something like a stack of sheets. Mine wouldn't fluff, didn't move when punched and weighed at least ten pounds.

At another hotel, I wondered if the foam rubber in my pillow had petrified or if the establishment had just run out of pillow-grade foam rubber and had substituted waitingroom chair grade.

The lumpy pillow was a challenge. If I put my head in the center, there was a lump the size of a lemon sticking in my ear. Off to one side, a lump put a dent in my cheek. I flipped the pillow over and discovered a whole new topography. It was clear that exhaustion was the only remedy.

Old movies often show murderers suffocating someone by holding a pillow over his face. One night, I was sure my pillow would suffocate me without any outside help. When I put my head on the pillow, the sides flipped up to envelope my whole head. I fluffed, shoved it down to the bottom of the pillowcase and tried again. Unsuccessful, I folded that flipper in half and found that it worked until I relaxed, and my head slid off.

Some pillows are uniformly flat and hard. If there are any extras, I double up. Then I have the perfect height but a solid pillow. Were they bought that way or did they solidify with age?

Getting the right pillow isn't any easier at home. My pillow is fine the first five minutes, then it slowly sinks until I have to stick my arm under it to bring it up to the right level.

So, the hunt begins for the perfect pillow, but I know I have a greater chance of learning to skydive. I couldn't tell much by looking at it through the plastic so I picked up one that looked promising. I punched, scrunched and squeezed it around the middle. It felt like the perfect pillow, so I bought it, took it home and tried it out that night. It was a flipper, and I can't take it back. I added it to the collection in the guest room.