Loose Ends
Two sets of eight. Ready? Begin.
Susan Nienow

Time to get in shape for all those holiday parties. I joined a fitness club and raised their average member age by 10 years. With any luck the 20- and 30-somethings will think I have a free membership, because I won it in a raffle.

I walked around the place for a few minutes and decided that since spandex is in, I will wear sweats. From my angle, spandex seems to have a limited audience. The two females riding the bike things collectively weighed less than the state champion green bean for '05.

One of the males was working out on a machine that I wouldn't be surprised had roots in the Spanish Inquisition, but he looked great in spandex.

I wonder where they sell gym shorts for crafters? Or if I can find workout gear for readers? What about breathable cotton camo for the bridge bunch, so I can hide among the exercise machines?

I have picked out a few activities I think will be good for me and another two I think won't kill me. One requires a bathing suit and a noodle. A noodle? That used to be the name of the stuff that tastes great with any kind of cream or cheese sauce. And that bathing suit requirement could put this class at the bottom of my list. Can I swim in sweats?

The class on cycling doesn't look too bad. I get to sit down, and I don't need a noodle. Apparently I can go at my own pace, and maybe even take a break or two.

I'm a little leery of any classes that are a "challenge" or are "high intensity" or that require anything "advanced" except procrastination. I am good at that.

I like the descriptions of the classes that say "stretch" or "easy." "For beginners" is OK, too. But, I haven't found any that say, "Guaranteed not to cause shortness of breath, sweating or sore muscles."

As I looked around the facility, it became clear that next to spandex, the most important requirement was bottled water. I wonder if the brand makes a difference. And what about well water? Is it as effective? Could I cheat and just keep filling up the same bottle?

The next requirement is a tan. Since I don't do tanning beds, I am practicing spraying mine on. And it does take practice. The first week, I had striped feet. So I switched brands and turned my legs orange. Orange doesn't do a thing for cellulite. Now I am working on a third type. At this rate it would be cheaper to spend the week in Florida.

This place is so pure, they don't even have a coffee bar. I have to stop and buy my caffeine on my way to exercise. And I like my coffee with calories. I'm sure that's against any fitness club rules. With another latte after working out - I need a reward - that raises my membership costs by $30 a week!