A series on parenting
Part 1: The difference between punishment and discipline
By Tom Doland CHESTERFIELD SCHOOL BOARD CHAIRMAN

Doland

Being a parent is one of the most rewarding but challenging roles we face in life. We like to see our children happy and content, yet we recognize that many times in life that will not be the case. Children come into the world demanding to have their needs met. Eventually they have to begin to recognize that others also have needs, and sometimes they are not going to get their way.

Let's face it - young people are very selfcentered and selfish. As parents, we have to begin to use discipline to correct or change their behavior. Sometimes people confuse or equate discipline with punishment. Punishment is primarily designed to stop a behavior, while discipline is designed to help a child learn the proper way to behave. It is not sufficient for a child to know what not to do. They need to know what is expected of them. Discipline is the teachable moment.

It is important for parents to distinguish between disobedience, not knowing what to do and making a mistake. The latter two require training - not discipline. Remember that most of our learning comes from making mistakes. Correcting inappropriate behavior by demonstrating the appropriate way to behave usually works quite well most of the time. Always make sure that the child has the knowledge and the skills to do whatever it is you ask of him. Even the best of children will occasionally test the limits and do what they know they should not do.

Here are just a few things to consider as a parent:

If you want your child to listen to you, first listen to them. This is a great way to show respect for your child. Lower your voice in order to be heard; do not raise your voice. This models two essential skills required for effective communication: listening and speaking quietly.

Remember that you are the judge and the jury; remaining calm and objective are essential in remaining fair. Never discipline a child when you are angry. Your response will probably be too severe, and you most likely will not hold them to the consequences. Set a time to discuss the issue when you have more self-control.

Remember that inappropriate behavior should never pay off for the child. For example, if a young child cries and carries on at the store, and you buy him a candy bar to quiet him down, you have put him in control and rewarded him for misbehaving. The only way children should be rewarded is when they behave properly first.

Last but not least, remember Grandma's Rule: first you work and then you play. Whenever possible, let the child have control over the length of the punishment. Instead of arbitrarily restricting a child for two weeks for not cleaning his room, state that when his room is properly cleaned then he has met his part of the agreement and is free to do the things he enjoys.

If you love your child don't be afraid to discipline him. He or she will respect and honor you as an adult.

Tom Doland currently represents the Matoaca District on the School Board and worked as a school psychologist with Chesterfield County Public Schools for 32 years before he retired in 2003.