Loose Ends
High maintenance?
Susan Nienow

One word in our language I could do without: maintenance. It used to refer to cars and lawnmowers. Change the oil, sharpen the blades and put in a new air filter. Now it refers to me. I don't need an oil change or my blades sharpened, but I am finding that a lot of my valuable resources are going for maintenance.

Take oil, for instance. It used to be a part of the beauty routine, only now if all of the boomers that are hitting the dry, flaky skin age at the same time used oil-based moisturizers, it would cause an oil slick bigger than Lake Michigan. So now, moisturizers are oil-free.

I used to get by on just one moisturizer. Now, I have one for my eyes to use at night - the label said it reduces wrinkles by 30 percent. I guess I don't get eye wrinkles during the day. I've got one for my heels with extra heavy-duty stuff in it. Apparently heels get wrinkles worse than eyes. And there is the moisturizer with SPF 15 for the rest of me. Oh, I forgot the lip balm. And the hair conditioner.

I really think there should be a separate beauty treatment for elbows. Have you ever looked at your elbows in the mirror? No wonder they were put on the back sides of our arms!

My hair conditioner used to be faintly floral smelling and kept my hair from tangling. Now I can choose among cucumber, mango with lime, and citrus mint. Why would I want my hair to smell like a cucumber? And I haven't the vaguest idea what a mango smells like. But citrus mint - I don't want to smell like a bathroom cleaner either.

Now that I am all slicked down with oilfree slickerizers, I turn to my teeth. I want to do the best thing for them, so choosing a toothpaste takes me a half hour. I will now have fluoridated, whitened teeth and good breath - all in one tube. And if I don't feel I am doing enough to keep my teeth happy, I can go for the whitening kits or the professional whitening in the dentist's office. Maybe next week.

I did read that not having white teeth can age me, though I can't remember if it was in the last anti-aging article I read or the ad for teeth whitening. It might make a difference.

Speaking of color, while I am whitening my teeth, I can tan my body with a moisturizer. The fact that it sometimes comes off on my clothes is just a minor inconvenience. I like blotchy clothes.

Then there's the hair thing. I can go grey or choose from an entire aisle of hair colors at the discount store. Am I glorious golden or amiable ash blonde? Do I want streaks or shimmers? Will the $9.99 stuff make me look younger than the $5.99?

Excuse me while I go sharpen my blades.