Loose Ends
Houseplant angst
Susan Nienow

I definitely have issues with my houseplants. They always move out for the summer, and they have been very demanding these past few months. This drought and the extended summer have made them very testy. But it is fall, and they want to be inside - all of them. They are gasping from the heat, the drought and the forgetfulness of the waterer.

But, they don't know about the space shortage or lack of patience of the winter plant keeper. While I love to garden, the trick to raising houseplants eludes me. I am either killing them with kindness or forgetting they exist. So I have two rex begonias, each with five leaves. Another has made an amazing comeback after last winter. I put it outside last spring with instructions to make up its mind - to live or not to live. And I have two bougainvilleas - they are tropical and have to come in for the winter.

Only the best will be chosen. That's my dream. The reality is that I'm a pushover, even for sorry-looking houseplants.

My ficus is a completely different issue. It is potbound. I left it on the deck in the hot sun all summer. I "forgot" to water it. And it grew. And grew. It's beautiful. And eight feet tall, three feet wide. It was supposed to…well…move on to a better place. Or any other place.

I tried to give it away. Who wants an eightfoot tall houseplant? My friends - I thought they were my friends - refused to take this behemoth off my hands. Too tall, too wide, too… I even offered to deliver. No takers.

We have a house, not a mall. It doesn't fit in here anymore. But, I can't deliberately kill a plant. So I left it out on the deck all summer knowing that it would bake in the sun, causing the leaves to become crispy. Then I wouldn't feel so bad if I let it die. But it only lost four leaves all summer. The birds loved it, and we loved having them perch right outside the family room window.

But now I am stuck with this plant that has become a real tree. It has a trunk bigger around than my fist. My other half suggested putting lights on it and skipping the traditional Christmas tree thing. I am considering that.

In the meantime, I have to figure out how to kill all of the insects that have chosen to burrow into the soil and hide among the leaves. And, bribe my other half to bring it inside. It is a tree - it's heavy. I suggested putting the pot end in a plastic bag and rolling it in but my other half didn't seem overjoyed at my idea. Maybe it's a guy thing - not admitting it might be too heavy to lift.

Maybe I'll have a contest - to enter, go to www.winmyficus.com, and the winner gets the plant, pot and all.