Thomas Dale students grieve after loss of four classmates
By Katherine Houstoun CONTRIBUTING WRITER

Four Thomas Dale High School students have lost their lives over the last eight months, including two who were killed in automobile crashes.

After the death of four Thomas Dale High School students in just eight months, some surviving students have begun to believe their school is "cursed." This fear was one of many topics covered last week during a meeting for the Thomas Dale community on how to deal with grief and loss.

Andrew Clarke, who died in a single-vehicle car wreck two weeks ago, was the most recent death, preceded by Emily Dale Bowman, Malcom Piggett and Ryan Matko - all Thomas Dale students who died in separate incidents within the past eight months. Concerns from Thomas Dale faculty members over grieving students led to the community meeting, which was sponsored by the Chesterfield County Health Department, the Chesterfield County Mental Health Department and Chesterfield County Public Schools.

"After watching the students who heretofore had let these kind of events just slide off their backs become visibly upset, the faculty recognized that something bigger was going on," said George Braunstein, the executive director of the county's community services board. "I mean, there were huge football players walking around the hall just sobbing. They became very concerned."

Some students at Thomas Dale High School believe the school is "cursed" after losing four classmates in eight months.

The community meeting, which consisted of two presentations and a question-and-answer period, took place last Wednesday night at the Cultural Center of India, where several dozen parents, teachers and students listened to county health officials talk about the best ways to deal with the loss.

Robin Jones, prevention consultant with the county mental health department, supplied a bulleted list of 10 suggestions for grieving teens (see box on this page) and provided advice for worried parents.

"What you as parents can do is provide a safe environment," she said. "Say, 'It's okay. Whatever you're feeling is okay and we're here to back you up.'"

Parents at the meeting expressed concern that their children were talking about a "curse" on Thomas Dale and fearing that they might be next. While county health director Dr. Bill Nelson acknowledged the difficulty of explaining the randomness of events, Karen Waters, clinical psychologist for Chesterfield County, suggested tuning in to a child's fears.

"Your child is telling you something about her fear," said Waters. "You want to validate their feelings, in addition to providing information."

Waters repeated the message for parents who were worried that their teens were not talking to them about their feelings - a behavior teens are known for, regardless of what's going on in their lives.

"You can observe their emotions," she said, "and say, 'You seem sad. Are you feeling sad?' A lot of times when you tap into the right emotion, the words will flow from there."

Warren Wilson, an assistant girls' basketball coach at Thomas Dale, attended the meeting to find some answers of his own.

"I'm trying to figure out what I can do to help the kids and how I can be more understanding of what they're going through," he said. During the meeting, Wilson expressed his concern that some students might be reluctant to seek help. Other parents suggested that Thomas Dale host a school-wide forum for students in which they would be offered tips and suggestions for dealing with their emotions.

"They have been affected as a group," said one concerned mother. "It's not just individuals who are dealing with this; they are a group."

Certainly, the entire community has been affected by the loss of the four students. Sixteen-year-old Emily Dale Bowman, a sophomore at Thomas Dale's Specialty Center for the Visual and Performing Arts, died after an early-morning car crash last May. Malcolm Piggott, 18, a star athlete, accidentally drowned in a pond near the Chester YMCA last August. Later that month, Ryan Anthony Matko, 16, whose father, Max Matko is head of the Richmond Police Department's coldcase homicide squad, was shot to death. The investigation into his death continues. Two weeks ago, senior Andrew S. Clarke, 17, drove his car into the stone entrance of Meadowville Technology Park early in the morning. About 500 people attended his funeral.

As the pain of the losses remains fresh for many members of the Thomas Dale community, Jones emphasized that the students could, and would, get through this sorrowful time.

"Your memories at first will cause you pain because they remind you of what you have lost," she said. "Eventually they will become a source of comfort...Your friends will always live on in your memories."

Helping teens deal with loss Licensed counselor Robin Jones off ers the following advice for grieving teens:

Don't give yourself a hard time about how you're reacting to loss. Everyone reacts diff erently.

Support each other. Grief is painful, but you don't have to do it alone. Talk to friends. Share memories. Help each other.

Talk to the adults who care about you. Speak with a parent, teacher, guidance counselor, school psychologist, principal, coach or any other person that you feel connected to. Talking will help you begin to express your grief.

It's okay to feel angry, but find healthy ways of expressing your anger through talking, writing, exercising, listening to music or playing sports.

Think of ways to say goodbye. Write a letter to the person saying the things you wish you could have said, or have a conversation with them out loud or in your head. Think about the way you and your friends together can honor the friends you have lost.

Grief takes as long as it takes. We each have our own timetable for grief. Be patient with yourself and others. Expect and plan that important events like prom or graduation might trigger your grief.

Sleep, eat, be active, laugh and be understanding of yourself and others. Be forgiving of yourself if you seem scattered, forgetful, unorganized or have difficulty concentrating. It will get better. And laughing is not wrong or dishonoring. It's coping.

Keep an eye on each other. If someone is not eating, sleeping or indicating that they are in so much emotional pain that they want to die, please tell at trusted adult.

Don't worry if you don't know what to say. The important thing is to listen. Often, your friend isn't looking for you to fix the problem; he or she just needs you to be there for them.

The memories will get easier. Things, places and music can become a bridge back to your grief. The good news is that in time the memories will not cause as much pain and will become a source of comfort.

Source: Adapted from "A Grieving Teen" by Helen Fitzgerald